Anything else is a loss. Specifically, if one party is losing, it cannot have a positive outcome - no matter how noble it may seem. To "meet in the middle" is to find solutions that are mutually-beneficial to you and your beloved. As your life journey unfolds, you are undoubtedly learning, growing and changing. When you are in the world of the entrepreneur, the changes can be happening rapidly. The more you learn about spirituality , success, empowerment, etc. As your awareness of the greatness that is within you expands, you are excited to see what else can unfold for you.
If your significant other is not sharing the journey of enlightenment with you, they may be either staying where they are, or evolving on a different path than you. At some point, you may realize that you are in different spaces and that there seems to be quite a gap between you.
The most obvious solution to bridge this gap is to meet in the middle. Which, essentially means that you must shift away from who you truly are, and they must do the same. Thus, you are now coming together as people you are not. Meeting in the middle may then mean that you have to come down a few clicks - which you would be able to do. They, however, would have to come up from the space they are in, into a world they have no experience in.
How realistic would it be to expect them to be able to do that? In order for you to communicate effectively, you would have to meet them where they are at and communicate in a manner they can comprehend. If your journeys continue to evolve in different directions and the gap between your respective spaces increases, it may be increasingly less fulfilling for you to do that.
Obviously, your relationship is nothing to do with your vocation or your business. To ensure you maintain a healthy, empowering, mutually-fulfilling relationship you both must ensure that it is maintained as a priority.
You are both distinct, individual human beings and, you both have a specific purpose to fulfill in this lifetime. The more you keep your relationship and your shared journey as a focal point, the more opportunities you will see to evolve together.
As always, prevention is better than cure. Being aware of the potential to grow differently can open you both to options to grow into your greatness, while maintaining your loving space. If you have realized that you and your partner have grown apart, then something obviously needs to shift. You are not going to give up being who you are just to appease them. And, you won't expect them to make a quantum leap to attain the same space you hold. Now you are aware that meeting in the middle may not be realistic, you are now free to seek the options that will support you both in the life journey you desire.
There are no easy answers to making your "Good Enough" marriage a place of continued hot desire. It is really challenging work, and can take a lot of guts. It is all about taking yourself and your partner to a new level - and that can feel frightening. I note that the last words in this article are "television set". A sure-fire way to increase desire is to take the TV out of the bedroom. If you want your sex life to be better with your live-in partner, turn off the TV early, and make the sex the evenings entertainment.
So many people start in being sexual at the time when they are ready to sleep. It works a lot better for the sex and good sleep later if one starts a date not at sleep time, but a couple hours before, so that the exhaustion and cuddling lead to great sleep! Another hint is not to eat before the sex! Full bellies also lead to sleepiness!
Thank you for expanding the conversation. Pamela, this is the best thing you've ever written on your blog. Smart, insightful, and honest about the possibilities. The point you make about compromise being a loser for both people is counterintuitive, runs contrary to most therapeutic advice, and is nonetheless right on target.
Just had to say how much I loved Shameless and all the inspiration you share. There are many options to rekindle the desire and have the fulfilling journey.
It all starts with the willingness, commitment and aligning with the right people. Thank you ANON - this piece was really a collaboration of insights from myself, and two fabulous sexuality and intimacy coaches over at my Shameless Community. I am blessed to be surrounded by generous and amazing people - this was one case where too many cooks didn't ruin the soup!
It made it so much tastier! Thank you for the kind words, Pamela. I can do it very simply. It all depends on basic attraction. If a person simply does not find his or her spouse physically attractive, low sex drive is hardly a surprising result. One can argue all one wants that attraction is not in the "eye," but in the mind, but that's hooey when you get right down to it. At its most base level? It's much more primal. You can't make yourself be attracted to someone. But if you've thoroughly talked yourself out of it, it may take unadvised amounts off alcohol until you learn how, since people's seduction skillset these days is so primitive.
Hi Pam, I love this post, and am grateful to your for sharing it--and for asking for the insights of these other coaches, who've clearly thought and experienced! I love your line: That about captures the "problemn" right there, doesn't it? I keep coming back again and again to this idea that our monogamous partnerships should be asked to sustain the kind of sexual fire and passion that they might have had at the beginning. I'm not so sure I agree with that anymore, especially after learning more about the evolutionary history of human sexuality The insights in your piece started to address this aspect of long-term relationship, and I especially loved yours: I'd like to see some specific suggestions on that one!!
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