Friends with benefits where the benefits have expired? Do it in private, in person. Don't ask to be friends: This one assumes you weren't friends before you started sleeping together. In my experience, these situations end up in two frosty acquaintances on one end of the spectrum, and overly-cheery but secretly annoyed acquaintances at the other end.
If you weren't friends to begin with, you're far less likely to become friends after you've seen the downstairs mix-up and told them, "No thanks, I'm done with that. Don't make this all about you: As for other reasons, maybe it is about you. Maybe you are crass or disrespectful or bad in bed. But chances are, you're not. And if you are, chances are you have enough good traits that the dumper thought it necessary to lie to you about your bad ones.
If you need to know, ask. But if you're scared to ask, don't dwell. Don't punish them unnecessarily. Respond with kindness, if only initially: Telling someone you no longer want to have sex with them is hard, and it took courage for them to do something other than just stop responding to your texts.
If you have something nasty to say, say it tomorrow. It might feel less satisfying, but hey, at least you've lured the dumper into a false sense of "Hey, we really are cool.
I'm not talking about long-term, committed relationships where both parties have stated a desire to move things forward indefinitely. I'm not referring to high school sweethearts who break up when they go to separate colleges.
And I'm not equating my two-month flings with members of an engaged couple who part ways because one cheated on the other. Anger, resentment and disappointment are understandable, normal feelings in situations like these.
The giving and taking away of love can cripple a person. But most of us don't throw "I love you" at our casual dating relationships. We don't always talk about the future. Somewhat miraculously, in a city of only 61 square miles, I have not run into DJ since the night of our pseudo-breakup. But I think about the conversation often. Roughly six months later, I'm still glad I gave him the same consideration he gave me -- that I didn't send out a Facebook blast about how he's a worse dancer than Lorde is a performing artist, or a tweet about how I'm pretty sure nobody taught him what sarcasm sounds like.
I'm just making a point. What I learned from DJ is that in a metropolitan area filled with more potential sexual partners than most twenty-somethings know what to do with, the reasons for breaking something off can be just as varied as the reasons for starting it in the first place. Washington, DC in particular is a veritable launchpad for young professionals, many of whom expect to move on to "real" cities in a few years and are just looking for something casual and fun to manage in the meantime.
We're looking for something easy. Also, easy to end. Chances are, six months from now, we dumpees won't feel hurt by this person anymore.
But more than likely, someone else will pop into the picture, and the concept of having "moved on" will be a reality. Beyond the hippie-dippie aim of filling the world with more positive energy, this list serves a higher purpose. We've all been dumped, and most of us have dumped. The worst part of both is feeling at odds with another human being, particularly one you let see you at your most vulnerable.
For the dumpee, being cast aside carelessly with hurtful words, via the wrong format or with feeble and dishonest attempts at continuing a relationship, makes him feel marginalized.
For the dumper, the prospect of rejecting someone and the potential backlash can be daunting. The scarier that prospect, the more likely she is to do it via the quickest and least considerate way possible; or, on the flip side, drag it out incessantly, ignoring your texts and calls until eventually you feel dumped not just as a lover, but as a person. Our hearts are not broken by the people who never gain access to them.
It is only our egos that bruise when we give that sacred sliver of ourselves called sex and are then denied access to the person who took it. Even sex tied to conversation, or dinner, or a warm bed, or the sharing of our fears and ambitions doesn't have to crush us. We have choice in the matter, whichever side of the equation we're on.
I truly believe it will happen when I too have something good to bring to the table. My ex disrespected me like no other-I was an active participant-but I am thankful, as I needed this unhealthy relationship to make necessary changes in my life. I can choose to see myself as victim or I can take what I have learned and make some positive changes with my life.
I am a consummate rescuer and read a while ago that rescuers are always looking to be rescued themselves. I now know that the only one that can rescue me is me.
Until I fix me and my life, I will always end up with a man who needs fixing. What he wanted was ego massage. He never really cared for me — he just liked how much I adored him. I think we do ourselves a disservice if the only red flag we look for is them wanting sex. What they really want is someone they can control, and someone who will love them without them having to love back.
EUMs and ACs want all the other stuff you mentioned too. Congratulations to him — still living at home with his mum and having nothing meaningful with anyone, neither is he ever likely to. Oh my this is what happened to me!
Remarkable that there is a whole group of men out there who behave in this way! They should all get together and talk about their issues! By changing your behavior and establishing boundaries in your life. Once we learn to respect and love ourselves, we can forgive ourselves. If we see ourselves as victims, we will never change our behaviors. Do these dots connnect? Today was a particularly hard day because three years ago was one of our first times together, albeit at a work event.
Something always bothered me as we would recount our first times together. Three years ago, he invited me to attend a work event with him which was okay even though he was married because it was work…. Honestly by that time, we had spent so much time flirting at work, I was already hooked. We had a break between the morning and afternoon activities and I suggested we go to lunch.
At that point, we had not been intimate yet. Honestly, it did not even cross my mind to run off and have sex for the first time in between work activities. Another thing always bothered me. Needless to say, I was. It was 11 or so pm, and I was thinking about getting to sleep because I had an early class the next morning. What in the world? I was thrown off the scent of a casual relationship for the hallmarks of a real relationship?
Before we crash this site with responses regarding the fact I should have known better because he was married and I should have been under no illusion as he was wearing a neon flag no wedding ring , I admit to being emotionally unavailable. Honestly, honestly, honestly, I truly did not realize that I was emotionally unavailable until I started reading this site. I guess that has been the most difficult part of 41 days of NC. Facing my own demons instead of blaming and being angry at him.
He was good at faking the hallmarks of a relationship. Right knocked on my door right now with a healthy relationship tied up nice package with a pretty purple bow. Did he just want a shag, ego stroke, dinner, wine, and a shoulder to lean on?
I guess that is a rhetorical question. He was honest right from the start. I hesitated to think this post applied to me because my ex and I talked about the steps of our dating being dating, then when it felt right, moving in, then when the time was right, marrying, then kids.
But then, little things, kind of like yours: Or you just got tired of the crumbs and wanted the whole? Casual can still be where the guy says he wants something serious, or professes to want something serious, but does so Without Sufficient Care or Thoroughness, or Without Thought or Premeditation.
Or if we do. I had a set of beliefs about myself and my situation due to the long and miserable messages I was getting from my ex about the person that I was. Someone has to be pretty twisted and sick themselves to take advantage of someone that is in a vulnerable position. They single out people who can march to their tune. They, along with us invalidate a positive healthy loving relationship.
Yes, I got very angry with my ex and the ex MM, both of them acted without scruples and decency — and my getting real about it helped me on the road to recovery. I will never give my power away again.
It is amazing how similar all of our stories are and how similarily these situations unfold. Based on your description Lynne, your situation sure quacked like a meaningful relationship. Your comment about the difference betwee the Official Title vs.
What was your breaking point? I think I may have ended up with the Official Title and it would still have been a casual relationship. I loved the comment about more red tape and obligatory appearances. Before I read your posts, I thought I wanted those obligatory appearances. Is that why his wife hated to attend and looked so bored in the pics?
This stuff is incredibily tricky and crazy-making. Those seemingly innocent and subtle comments in the beginning of these situations are very telling in retrospect. Not the same thing.
As Christmas approached, my denial was cracking. I was sick and tired of crumbs, sick and tired of being ninth or tenth, sick and tired of listening to him whine and then go home to his wife to decorate the Christmas tree, and sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I want to live, laugh, and have fun. Additionally after two years, it was the first time his story changed. Here was the moment: He was re-defining the relationship and managing down my expectations to even less than crumbs.
Do these guys read a manual on how to quack like a duck without walking like a duck? I hear you about getting real through anger. In my situation, underlying my anger is hurt and sadness.
Anger seems much more comfortable for me because it triggers something active or like you say, getting real. For me, hurt and saddness trigger vulnerability. Is there a balance between power and vulnerability? How do we retain our power and be vulnerable without being taken advantage of and be emotionally available? I must be the awful person! So in the end I just went with how I felt when I was with him.
It sucked, and slowly, with the help of a therapist, I began naming what I felt in the moment, and it was no good. In the end, I watched him have to call up people at the last minute to celebrate a big milestone birthday no one in his life, besides me, was close enough to him to be looking forward to being with him on the day , then absolutely treat them like crap after they went out of their way to accommodate him.
For whatever reason, seeing how he treated the people who were there for him on his birthday, how he related to the people he called his closest friends, finally did it.
But when I saw him be a jerk to other good people people who had no influence on his political standing , I knew I would never be able to stand next to that guy and feel proud of him. I understand how you could stay despite the realization that there were major red flags.
It is odd that we hang in there when our gut is saying the opposite. Like you, I have doubted my own judgment. Thanks for being there. This is my current problem. I am utterly furious with myself and with him. The rage is eating me up and I feel a desperate need to inflict some kind of violence upon him, or get revenge. I went through exactly the same. I am now totally over the ex EUM and with someone wonderful.
Even negative attention is attention, remember. A sign that you care. The oposite of love is not hate — the opposite of love is indifference. Let him feel your icy indifference! Minky,,,your words hit home…just recently started seeing a counsellor and his words echo yours…. He announced he wants us to get together tonight…not even asking me my plans…….. From now forward, i will remind myself of your words…..
These posts are very helpful. What saved me was getting out and staying very busy classes, yoga, meditation, Meetup groups, dancing etc….
The benefit of all of this is that I found new interests and made a ton of new, great friends. This also made me recognize-when I had a new active life-that I had some toxic friends that needed to be let go.
You have a choice: I have done some primal screaming into a pillow from the bottom of my gut. Then I began to forgive and accept myself, my humanity, my perfect imperfection.. I began to love the shame, love the rage, love the mistakes, the neediness, all of it…and I feel an internal change happening that is so amazing, so free… What I did after screaming into the pillow and having a tantrum on the floor was to take all of the YUCK and imagine it was my soft silky pillow.
And I held it like a baby and rocked it and stroked it and loved it and something is changing inside of me…something amazing that I can only barely describe…. He wanted me to fix it.
No, thank you for the offer and No. He apologized for overstepping my boundaries a few weeks ago. He was very sorry. I felt guilt, I felt sorry, I felt pity, I felt on the verge of tears…and No. I was kind and firm, and apparently he found a way to deal with it on his own while I buried myself in drawing.
What will we all do??? Sunshine — What a nice post. I know I am! What will we do now? We will do things that make us happy rather than worrying about some idiot who never measures up to our expectations.
Eventually we might meet a man to share our fab lives with, instead of constantly chasing for the unobtainable. It will be much easier to weed out the oxygen theives! I so wish that I could be where you guys are today. He was my boyfriend at 16 and broke my heart for the first time. Three years ago, when his email appeared after 40 years! We met, everything was magical. He had all the lines, never been in love like this before, never loved my ex wife.
Even though he lived in a complete mess of a flat still does , no photos, no pictures, no mirrors and barely any furniture, piles of cardboard boxes even though he had lived there for 3 years. I had a breakdown, lost two stone, felt like crap but when the email came a month later. Living with the constant anxiety feeling in the pit of my stomach. What the hell is wrong with me and when do I get my epiphany? Maybe I just need to keep reading these posts and something will click that gives me strength.
Thanks Nat and all of you for being there. Goldie — Nothing is wrong with you. I went through an almost identical experience after reuniting with my FL from decades ago. There are biological and chemical responses in the brain that are activated by this type of reunion.
They have an addictive quality that make it very hard to walk away, and keep us obsessing. There is a researcher in the US who has dedicated her career to these types of reunions.
Her name is Nancy Kalish. If you do a search you will find the site. It is filled with people traumatized by this experience. I walked away from mine and when he pursued went completely NC. I almost came apart at the seams and my life spiraled down.
I am several years out of it now, but it was bar none the most painful, humiliating experience of my life. Seek help to deal with this and be gentle with yourself.
Goldigirl, i really feel for you. It is a tragedy that this man has affected you in such an extreme way. It might be an idea to see a counsellor, as many other people on this site have done. Exactly what I experienced for several months. Normally I would be suspicious of this, but I was so taken by his good looks and charm. I finally caught on. Thanks for this insightful post, it has validated my experience and helped answer a lot of lingering questions.
And then you come out swinging with an even better post. I wish I had read this post two years ago. It so elegantly and succinctly explains and summarizing what is to many and certainly to me such a bewildering and raw experience. Nat — this is an excellent post! In a nutshell, this is the situation I have been in, on and off, with the same person for the past two years. I opted out for the final time about a week and a half ago. I have fun with my friends.
Once the rose colored glasses were off, the physical connection felt empty to me. So — the physical part was very easy to leave. Thanks for the post! It was very timely for me. I am glad to know I am not alone in what I was experiencing. So many times, I said the same thing: It struck me in the end that I was little better than a call girl or an escort. He just called me up when he wanted me, and left me alone the rest of the time.
The difference being that a call girl actually gets paid! The reason why I was attracted to these casual relationships because I was afraid of dealing with my feelings, it was through these experiences I began to feel pain, then took responsibility for it, then seen my part in it, then learned about becoming a healthy person, what healthy relationships were, etc… in other words, started becoming aware of these destructive unconscious patterns.
Your right, you cant force substance. I think what was so hard, at least for me, is to comprehend how someone could be so emotionally disconnected as to treat you this way. Now I know that he kept coming back because I was giving him so much for very little in return. He misses his ego stroke. I am going to forgive myself. I am going to move on and I am going to fill my life with people who can show me real love, trust and respect.
Natalie, you are a godsend. Thank you for sharing your gifts of healing with me and so many others. You hit my relationship right on the head!
I allowed it to go on too long. When my boyfriend left after three years, he had little to pack up and take with him.. I invested the 90 percent.. I was left with a full on nesting situation that I, pretty much alone, had been building. He was a minimalist in dealing with our relationship as well. This is where downsizing is not cool.
Eventually he was just having his mail sent to his office address. I was under the assumption you lived here but I see I am just a Bed and Breakfast that you frequent.. I understand how things start out as casual. Not all of us can jump in right away with full conviction that we are mates for life. Penguins do it…I admire this species. In the end, I was the only participant that was a willing and b trying to gain momentum to move forward.
I was like one of those old Volkswagen vans trying to make it up hill. I am soooo not casual. If I asked him if whether he was going to be in that evening, let alone what his plans were for the weekend, he would say I was hassling him and to stop trying to pin him down!
So many red flags it is ridiculous. He kept me hooked with outrageous future faking, we were going to have kids and he even proposed to me, properly with a ring — but then surprise surprise, when the wedding was booked and arranged he blew FREEZING cold, did a disappearing act from which I deduced the nuptials were off.
As you say — cheers mate! Why on earth I would have wanted to tie myself to such a loser is a mystery to me now. As someone commented the the other day, if only this blog existed in and I could go back and show it to myself, things could have turned out very differently… I am recovered and now in a happy healthy relationship but thank you Nat and BR readers for helping me understand what happened in retrospect five and a half years ago now x. Lizzy, thanks for your story. I often feel like I have been robbed years of my life as well.
I mean, Who do we think we are?!! Expecting some gratitude and respect. Gingerbell — yes it really takes time to recover from something like this.
I think a person with rock-solid self-esteem would not get into the situation in the first place, and then being treated in this way for years compounds the problem by eroding your self esteem even more, which takes time and work to build up again or it did in my case Hence me reading this blog five years later — all part of the ongoing healing process I guess.
Love and luck to you xx. I divorced my ex-husband 18 years ago. He was a Joker while we were married, and still is, from what I heard from his current gf. He has tried to contact me by phone or facebook over the past year, and I have not and will not answer. You will have too high an opinion of yourself to give him another chance, based on how he treated you, even if he did come crawling back. Why is it, I wonder, so many people ok men are afraid to commit? Unfortunately, they need commitment phobic women to engage with.
There are a hell of a lot of EUW out there, too! There are a million reasons why EU men are like this — each personal and specific to the man in question and the lists are endless. I guess each of us has a different reason based on our lives and experiences. It is indeed outside our power to change other people, that was exactly my point.
Sorry guys, you must on the other side of the world — sometimes there seems to be a long wait with all the comments then other times, it is almost overwhelming with the number of replies — so I missed these. Alison, yes after reading this post I must admit I have still been dealing with commitment issues — thus attracting the guy who did! This year, I intend to blast out the last remnants of that! Live My Gorgeous Life I am reading a book at the moment about the battle going on in your mind by Joyce Meyer and she explains how a wandering, wondering mind is not good.
So I was honest with him and ended it. Could I have hung around for all the fringe benefits of a relationship without being in one and use the guy for an ego stroke?
These men are messed up. I scratched my head trying to figure out what happened for ages, blaming myself and wishing I could have been the woman that christian carter describes. Who knows, maybe it works but it requires faking who you are and acting like you are someone you are not just to entice some stupid guy! Sorry to hear your heart got broken. I wonder though if the guy that did treat you well actually revved up his interest some more, whether you would have been!
Twice in my life I had amazing best friends where we would do everything together and above all have fun AND respect each other. Years later when I caught up with each one, I thought — wow! Since then I know it is wiser to set standards and have some base values in common.
Best friends need to be the foundation. Maya,you are totally right. When there is a sort of guideline to play the game and help us unnaturally entice some guy, is it really worth it? I mean, fair enough we all have our opinions, but what really erks me is the advice to help us sort of tip toe around these men until they respond the way we want them to.
If only so many others were as responsible as you. Most of my girlfriends have fallen for it. One is a friends with benefits to a guy living on the other side of the world. How crazy is that! My girlfriends used to advise me to hang on to the dude of the moment and bide my time waiting for the big prize. And this was backed up by a steady but profitable stream of nonsensical literature about how to rein in your guy. Natalie,you are ahead of your time because eventually society will view this shoddy, stupid behaviour for what it is and relationship integrity will once again be in vogue.
But in the meantime you are one of the few lights in a dim world of casual nonsense. Keep it shining ,Natalie,you really are changing lives. In some cases and scenarios he is right e. That is what I had to do inner work on. Not tying myself up in knots playing games and trying to be someone I am not…… in order to get my man.
Unfortunately, they are the ones that women are coming across out there in the dating arena and they are the ones that heavily contribute towards relationship chaos and havoc. You could turn yourself inside out for such men and many women have to their detriment and have lost themselves and their souls in the process and it would still have not made one iota of a difference on the relationship meltdown outcome.
I mean, I learnt from the best. Haha, no you are totally not the only one. Why would you choose to be so selfish and treat others poorly? Why not move on if you know they have feeling? Staying with you if you told them you have no intention of having a relationship: Some people want a relationship and more people want a casual arrangement.
And casual arrangements are fine. Young people do it all the time,the not so young do it at various points in their lives when either unwilling or unable to do a relationship. Even many full on relationships start as casual arrangements. Nobody is going to do the whole commitment thing on the first date,can you just imagine it! Casual arrangements are fine. The problem is when the lines get blurred. Does it serve them right as you say? Maybe yes, maybe no. I think the bottom line is that casual arrangements are fine once each party is honest and ok with it.
If not,well, no point wasting your time. Abort mission and go after your dreams. Which,for many of us,is indeed,that perfect romantic relationship. Narcissism is the personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness. I agree with Allison maybe some perfessional help before you inflict anymore intentional pain and it is intentional. Its in every word you wrote. Which also reflects that you think YOU are stupid if you like someone enough to be hurt by their behavior.
After that, whenever anyone liked me that way, I had a strange contempt for them. Really, someone looking at me with doe eyes almost made me want to puke, or flick them, or something. Your AC post actually opens my eyes. The old me, if I were a guy, probably would have wanted to date you, to somehow prove to myself I could get a jerk to finally see that I am a good person. I was really torn up about my situation, my relationship with a man that rushed me into things, that was super devoted, but hiding other traits.
He desperately wanted me to stay; I blew hot and cold, I guess, for five years:. I always wanted the quick-tongued kind but they always made me cry.
How stupid, how stupid is he? Goes to work every day, falls hard into bed for no more than to stay with me. How stupid can you get? How could I love a stupid man? How stupid could I be? Thanks for the reminder, however, that a lot of emotionally unavailable people lack empathy.
I should not take it personally, however. The crap treatment is a reflection on him, not on me. I do not deserve it. I am not stupid. Two Assclowns walk into a bar.. Narcissists are proud too which makes sense I guess but also seems like an odd self proclamation…. Learning, I think you make a very important point about non-communication that we often fail to fully appreciate when we are trying to remain NC.
It was my birthday last week a big one! It truly beggars belief. And your comment, Learning, has reminded me that I am already saying it all, by saying absolutely nothing. Funny, other kids who were abused as I was by the same ethnic group are quick to be like???? Under your own analysis, it can be faked, to survive, to whatever. Empathy and sympathy, over and above being nice, are key. THAT is what it means to be human. To be remembered when you die, for the empathy and sympathy you had towards others.
Oh, and my family parents grew up without fathers in a very poor society. They are the nicest and most successful people in their commujnity ethnic or otherwise. SHAME on them indeed!
It sounds like it was very painful for you to be shamed as a child for your sensitivity. It was for me, too. Maybe you can understand why I no longer find shaming others or clinging to moral judgments to be useful in relating with people. After reading this post and all these comments I am a little worried that I am actually the perpetrator of a casual relationship, and really would not like to be the cause of some of the hurt that the comments here are talking about.
I just came out of a long term relationship a few months ago, and have spent about 6. Also I am moving overseas in one year from now and therefore do not feel like I should commit to anyone.
However I have been out meeting people and have now been dating a guy for about a month and a half. We have both been having a good time and just taking things as they come and not making any commitment or defining the relationship, but now I am concerned that I am being unfair or unkind with the way we are together.
Although, for all I know, he could just be looking for a good time, casual style relationship as well. How are you both going to feel? Would you not prefer to be single in the year before you go away?
He could be thinking of going overseas with you, or that you may change your mind. If someone is so stupid it serves them right? That seems pretty harsh. Do I rob an old lady because its easy? No, because it is wrong and completely lacks integrity.
All of us have felt EU at some point but if you know you are hurting someone and continue to do it because you can, that is more than EU, thats emotionally immature.
I may have been EU sometimes, but if I ever drift into acting like an assclown, I stop out of respect for myself and being able to sleep at night.
Finally called it a day with guy who disappeared for almost three weeks. He was back, trying to press the reset button but I insisted on finding out what had prompted his disappearance.
Said we both needed some space and that it had done us both good. I made a snap decision that I knew would end things finally and said lied yes, I had met someone else while he was AWOL. And maybe I have a superficial streak that values form over substance. Alice B That shows fantastic self-protection. You done good girl! When the misty fog clears a bit you will see that. Possibly you could have said, actually I am not a pick and mix candy counter, I come as a package.
Remember one of the BR golden rules, when they are resisting connection actually its time to walk the other way too. People who love you are trying to cross bridges towards you not build them in the opposite direction and down grade you to the Options counter. He said he wanted space — but there are two people in a relationship and therefore two peoples needs. There is nothing reasonable about disappearing for 3 weeks. Perhaps when you say you feel confused it could be more that you are in unknown territory area.
You batted for you and it feels wierd the first time. Be ok in the unfamiliar zone. The more you bat for you the more familiar this space becomes. Its not even about settling for less, the minimum you expect is equal terms. Love is caring, consideration and sensitivity.
Move on from this one. No need to analyse further….. Recognised managing down expectations — tick. Folded any further investment — tick. My personal rule is: Then he went back to doing as he pleased, never including me in his life and hardly ever saying a word to me. Treating me like a roommate. He was at home a lot. Its very difficult being with this type of man. Its soul destroying and very demoralising and humiliating. These types of men live life on their terms only. You just said it all really.
Are you better off accepting this, or should you aim for something better? Only you can answer that. Do you want these things, or do you want to settle and be dissatisfied forever, with a man who shows utter disrespect by disappearing on you and making it your fault?
Do you think you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy and gives you little reason to moan? Who gives you what you want without you having to get it, like blood from a stone? Life gets a good deal more satisfying when you put yourself first! I know I have to change I have to leave him behind and that is taking me time. I really got encouragement from this post and peoples thoughts. Thank you both for your comments.
I know it is silly of me to try and work on the friendship when I have done this before and it was a one way street like it is this time. I go along quite well and then I relapse because I turn the crumbs into more than they are and reality seems to suck. I am trying out new hobbies and making more plans to meet other people but I have to stop my self destructive ways will return to counselling I obviously have issues to deal with.
Thank you again and I hope you continue in no contact Outergirl. Can you believe the brass set on him??? I tried that with mine, too. I thought that being friends would mean I would get treated better. As his girlfriend, I was miserable, while all his friends seemed to think he was so great.
I thought if I was his friend, he would be great to me. I thought I could casually hang out and show him how cool I was about the whole situation. I also turned crumbs into a loaf. I read some article on the internet about how to tell if your ex still has feelings for you. So what if he was still calling, texting, wanting to hang out?
He was not stepping up and saying he wanted me back. Baggage Reclaim really opened my eyes to the truth of the situation. I really wish I had been woken up sooner, so that I could look back on the situation and be proud of myself for opting out and keeping my dignity. Instead, I have spent months torturing myself for being so naive. As others have said on here, there are hallmarks that would lead us to believe a relationship is truly meaningful. He asked me to marry him, and I caught him cheating on me 4 months into it.
But I stayed anyway. He begged me to have kids with him, but I was not sure I even trusted him. He would go out with his friends til all hours of the night, not bothering to check in, and alot of times not bothering to say he was going out with them. He married ME, and WE bought a house together. He was an AC because he was a blatantly, in-your-face asshole. He was EU because even though we were married, you could not pin him down to have a serious conversation about the future.
It was too much bother. These types, and others who are more subtle, DO go through the motions of commitment, i. But the actual relationship had no substance. It hurts so much to be treated this way, but then again, I knew it all along and though this casual thing might just work out, blah blah…. Thanks to all who posted comments to me. So easy to get swept along by the craziness.
Hi Nat perfect as always! I am in no contact for 20 days and he shows up at There is a balance between power and vulnerability! Nats articles directs us to realise that, I believe. Like you said power makes me get real, like you it helps me to get focused and logical. But like with you underlying all that I did have a deep sense of sadness and vulnerability. I learned how to trust myself again — that was the big step for me.
I learned to listen to my instincts, to react for MY benefit. If I felt vulnerable and wanted to cry — I did it. Albeit on my own but I did it and I comforted myself in small ways that helped me tremendously. But I have not gone back on NC! I know because a guy at work has been after me for three years, he is a total NARC and I have refused him politely many times.
The latest episode has been where he had invited himself to my house for dinner — I refused. Totally nice when he sees me, says hello, then criticises something about me. I am not available for him.
The opposite is the case, too. Once we are healed, once time has passed, we are able to trust ourselves more and then our hearts and minds become more open to trusting another.
In turn, that is pretty empowering stuff. Last night, I severed my last tie with the ex MM. I had all his websites and flickr page on an RSS feed. You sound as though you are making such great progress by trusting your instincts and staying NC.
Of course, feeling vulnerable is scary, more so when there is no trust. Inherent in being involved with a MM is a lack of trust. Good luck to you in moving on. MM or any attached individual is such grief. Oh, but watch the NARC at work. It sounds from the outside like he is testing your boundaries.
I hope you can keep saying NO! Sounds a bit like a shag, ego stroke and dinner to boot. He sounds a bit off, based on your description. What used to feel nice and familiar unavailable man, being treated less than respectfully etc now feels uncomfortable and not very nice. Amazing — the posters above have described my relationship! How come you guys know my relationship?
For 18 months Mark and me went on occasional dates and afterwards made love. We deepened and cemented the relationship by going on a foreign holiday: He behaved exactly as a man does when he is falling in love. He was so romantic, so attentive, so emotionally engaged with me, caring deeply to make me happy in every way he could. He gazed into my eyes lovingly. We bared our souls. It was VERY intense, powerful, emotionally arousing, very exciting to feel us falling in love. After the holiday, I told him I loved him.
EUM He respected, admired, and liked me. He was in for the long haul with me Future Faking. So I stuck by him, waiting for him to catch up with where I was.
Says so in all those How-To-Win-Him e-books! I felt secure when he booked another holiday, six months in advance, and twice as long as the first. He was always nice, kind, reliable. What made me unhappy was that he wanted to have sex with other women. I loved him so much, if this it what it took to win him, I would go along with it.
He pledged to be tell me everything, never lie to me or them, and tell them it was just a fling because he had a long term girlfriend. It gradually emerged that a woman he claimed was an occasional shag was feeding him twice a week.. Get out now, and try to figure out why you continue to choose emotionally abusive relationships! This post is for all of us still learning why and how boundaries matter. Maybe you are crass or disrespectful or bad in bed. The more you bat for you the more familiar this space. I was in my emotional baggage and unaware of personal responsibility. The quietness is nice sometimes and lonely. It is coming from where I am and how angry I am with myself for lying and cheating on everybody.